too blessed to be stressed.

This dream was a long time coming. Medical school is the brunt of a lot of jokes, and for good reason. I think it makes you question everything you do. Then again, it must have different effects on different people. For me, the process of medical school made me feel really unsure of myself, really determined, more conscientious, and obsessive about thinking meticulously (and usually failing at that).

When I say that it has helped me learn how to think, I don't mean that I can now figure out every phenomenon of the human body. I mean that I learned how to fight (with myself) for complete open-mindedness when approaching people--to doggedly and stubbornly preserve kindness and understanding toward everyone. I've always heard and believed that I understood the idea of compassion, but in practice, I don't think that remaining poised when inconvenienced by others or even giving the benefit of the doubt comes as second-nature to people as they think it does.

I learned the importance of this from two perspectives. The first lesson came from my patients, as most of my lessons tend to come, and with the help of attendings who were generous enough to share their experiences and thoughts with me. It's easy to grumble about the patient who misses their clinic appointment, but when we learn that they take three buses, or travel four hours, to get to us, it's easier to accept--but we then unfairly write off all the people (whose stories we don't know) as irresponsible.

The second lesson came from my interactions with people around me. I am grateful for the people who always understand: my absences, my cancellations, my thorough exhaustion and thus boringness. Although my appreciation for these friends shouldn't require a comparison, it is because I have also dealt with the people who don't understand and are incapable of sparing someone else the benefit of the doubt that I realize compassion is a gift that must be consciously practiced.

My goal with this long tirade is to create a reminder for myself of the feeling of having recently graduated: that even when you don't know much, kindness is something that you can always have, and always fight for.

dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I had to take Step 2 (an 8 hour exam) on May 31, which I was somehow unaware that I had signed up for. I kept thinking to myself that it was weird I signed up so early for it, as most people take it in September. I also thought it was strange that I hadn't studied at all for it and began panicking. Furthermore, my computer froze, the monitor stopped working, and I had to look off a TV screen that was in the corner of the room to read the questions. At this point, I finally decided that these testing conditions were unacceptable and told the preceptor I would be taking it instead in a month, although he wanted me to just start over on a different computer.

As it turns out, I will never stop having school nightmares. This seems appropriate, as school will apparently never end.

Bucket List #6: Visit African Countries

(my orchid)

Yesterday, I took a 3 hour seminar class about Global Health and Humanitarian Relief. We covered Chernobyl, the genocide in Rwanda, and earthquake in Haiti. I'll be spending the rest of this week researching the Darfur conflict for next week's culmination session when we're presenting what we've learned about disasters, both natural and man-made. This is definitely an interesting reprieve from a lot of science-heavy courses, although I love science. I put this book, The Graves are Not Yet Full, on hold at the library. Just something I was thinking about yesterday and this morning.

Visiting some African countries is definitely on my bucket list. It would be completely different from anything I'd ever done or seen. This one is very vague for now, but with further research, will become more specific regarding exactly what it is I want to do there.

soon it will be cold enough to build fires

It's 1:23 AM and I plan on watching the Respiratory Physiology lecture that happened this morning as I fall asleep on the couch. Reasons it's okay to sleep on the couch (and I mean all night, as blanket and pillow have been transferred to the couch, not a nap): none. People who understand why I am enjoying sleeping on the couch: none. Reasons I'm going to bed 3 hours earlier than usual: I'm not getting anything done tonight and furthermore, Confessions, Part II by Usher is stuck in my head. And I really can't relate to my chick on the side telling me she's three months pregnant and she's keeping it.

[image from here]

cough drops

The placebo effect is real.

Rewind to about 24 hours ago. I was at Walgreen's looking at Ricola cough drops. The previous night, I had bought this great flavor (the exact flavor escapes me right now). It comes in a pomegranate-colored (that's a color) bag. As I looked at the different flavors trying to figure out if I wanted to try a new one or get the same one. This is pretty much my typical dilemma, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I'm looking at the packaging when I suddenly notice that most of them say Cough Suppressant. Duh, I think to myself... that's the point. But then I begin to wonder why the one I had bought did not say Cough Suppressant on it. Furthermore, why did it say Vitamin C Supplement?

Yes. I had been taking Vitamin C, thinking they were cough drops. I think I had 14 in a day. The thing is, it usually stopped my coughing within three seconds. My friend, Saad, who was with me was not to let me live this down. I was saved only by the fact that in passing, he asked me if I was getting the Honey Herb flavor. Except that he pronounced it "Oney Erb." Overdone silent H's.

Yeah, it's not a good idea to try to buy things after studying for many, many hours.